I am the smartest man alive

I quite frequently contemplate writing a post with this title, but this time I am actually quite sure that it is true.

I woke up this morning at the usual time and my clock radio told me that it had just snowed about 6" and was still going. My typical commute is about 40 minutes, but if even a little snow falls, it can turn into upwards of 2 hours. So armed with this knowledge, I decided to come into work late. I loitered around the house, ate some lunch, shoveled my driveway, and took care of all of the stuff I had planned on doing this evening after I got home. I finally ended up leaving my house at around 11am. The roads were wet and people were still driving like idiots, but there were few enough of them on the roads that I could go around. I made it to work in 37 minutes.

I knew it would have been nasty and that I probably shaved hours off of my commute time (and probably added a few years to my life), but the end results were pretty awesome: One of my coworkers that lives near me left at the usual time got into work at about 11:15, only 45 minutes before I did. This was a win, win, win, win, situation; I got to sleep in, I got to work less, I was saved the frustration of crawling traffic, and I got to brag to all my coworkers about how I beat HWY36. I have found my new favorite past time; arriving late to work. Smartest Man ALIVE

In another note, unrelated to this post, (or perhaps incredibly related) is a new app I found on Facebook. It is the Whopper Sacrifice. If you will only sacrifice 10 of your friends to the Whopper gods, BK will give you a free Whopper. You actually have to unfriend them in order for this to work. So if you are on Facebook and suddenly wonder why I am no longer your friend, it is because I evidently value the Whopper more than you (actually I value 1/10th of a Whopper more than you).

Surprise, you're in England

I got sent on my first 'spontaneous vacation' at work this week. On Tuesday I booked a flight to head to the UK for a customer service visit leaving Wednesday morning. A wise engineer once told me, "You know you're important when they send you on (or recall you from) a vacation." But if I were really important, I would be the one sending people on 'vacations'.

Some highlights from the trip:

• "Sir, is this your bag?"
  "Are these Fig Newtons in here?"
  That's all the further the exchange went, but it left me wondering if there is a new upcoming TSA policy banning figs or if maybe the inspector was craving something more than just a cookie; perhaps craving fruit and cake.
  
• "This airplane was not designed to allow you to remove your shoes during take-off" Perhaps someday airplane technology will catch up to my advanced technique of shoe-removal, but today is not that day.
  
• Upgrades! Through the magic of airline travel, it was somehow cheaper to buy first/business class tickets last minute than coach so that's just what I did. I got on one of United's upgraded 767's. It had the lay-flat seats for some choice sleeping, and a full 15in. monitor and on-demand entertainment including movies, tv shows, music and games (you could play tetris against the other passengers!). There was so much great stuff to do, I almost wish I didn't waste my flight sleeping soundly. If you have an extra 105k airline miles floating around, I highly recommend trying it.
  
• Right-hand drive. I've driven in the UK several times before and I always get a kick out of it. I initially had some issue with staying in my lane and not hitting curbs, but, amazing, having the stick shift on my left hand was pretty easy to get used to. This trip I got a supersweet diesel, 6-speed, hard-top convertible, PURPLE, Ford Focus! I could get 45mpg without even trying. The really weird part is riding in the 'passenger' seat and not having any controls in front of you. Also, the highway drivers there are all excellent and always keep over except when passing.
  
• Harses, harses, harses. Evidently the "Silicon Valley of England" where I was working is also the horse breeding capital of England. I was driving one day and I saw what looked like, from afar, a very, very tall man walking down the side of the road. It was actually a man on horseback riding down the street as if here were on a bicycle. It was initially a bit of a shock to me but I got over it. I mean hey, horses are people, too.
  
• The Imperial Pint. If you think Americans love their beers, the British will put you to shame. When you order a pint there, you get a massive 20oz. bucket of cask-conditioned ale that's hand-pumped by the bartender. It's not overly cold, just the temperature of the basement, and barely carbonated, but it sure is delicious. I had the pleasure of enjoying one at a tiny pub called 'The Plow', during lunch nonetheless, and I got to go try to align a big laser afterwords.
  
• The weather apocalypse. When I arrived in London, they had been experiencing several days of below freezing temperatures, and they even experienced some *gasp* snow! Evidently that is a rare occurrence there and so everyone was freaking out. I was literally tripping over piles of salt in the street as they attempted to take care of the 2cm of snow that fell on the streets. People were walking around bundled up like the Michelin Man and nearly fainted when they saw me in short sleeves and a moderate jacket. It was not quite as comical as when they got snow in Georgia, but I had many good laughs anyway.
  
• Not getting trapped in Chicago By all accounts, I should have been stuck in Chicago for the night on my way back to Denver. The plane was late, it was snowing, half the flights were canceled, my flight crew left, there were people screaming in the baggage hold, and the jetway froze to the plane. They hosed the plane down with de-icer, plowed the runways, got us a new crew, got maintenance to fix the cargo hold (the screams were from frustration and not from pain ... so we were told), made us get on off and back on the plane for good measure, and backed the plane out around the stuck jetway with surgical precision. At first I was a bit upset about the delay, but I need to give United massive credit for getting me home just a little over 3 hours late. It was damn good to sleep in my own bed last night.

Cheers!

Chicks dig scars

I just returned from a successful trip back home for Christmas. It was a bit short but I got much done, saw as many people as I could and I made it back intact. Mostly.

My Grandparents have a hill in their backyard with a lake at the bottom. Occasionally the conditions will be right such that there is both a good coating of snow on the ground and the lake is well-frozen. This happened on Christmas day so the whole family was out enjoying the excellent sledding.

We got in all the great sledding moves like the sled-snake, the sweep-your-unsuspecting-cousin's-legs-out-from-under-him, the run-over-the-dog-that's-trying-to-chase-you, and the dock crash. Then, my uncle, who grew up at the house and knew all the secrets, and managed to shoot down the hill and completely across the lake. That became the new challenge and no one else seemed to even come close. In my quest to match this feat, I got a great running start and proceeded to do this to myself:



It turned out, when I dove onto the sled while running roughly at mach 0.80, the sled did not move and I shot off the front on my face. I shaved off a small layer of skin and my lip got bashed and swelled up pretty good.

Rather than have to tell this story over and over I decided to come up with some alternative explanations. And I really had to be quick with them too or else whenever someone shrieked in horror and exclaimed, "What happened?!?!" someone else would chime in with a stale "You should see the other guy. Yuk yuk yuk." Here are my favorite responses to the "what happened" query.

• If you think this is bad, you should see the badger!
  
  
• I was carrying a steak home from the grocery when I crossed paths with a bear in a dark alley. I should have been fine since I was wearing bear repellent, but it turns out that I forgot to spray some on my face.
  
  
• The orphanage by my house caught fire again and all the orphans were trapped inside. Naturally, I went in and picked up as many as I could. The flames in the disintegrating building backed us into a corner. Since I was holding an orphan in each hand, one one my back, and had one on each leg, I was forced to headbutt my way through the nearest wall to safety. It was made of brick.
  
  
• We were out sledding when my brother, Harry, fell through the ice. I jumped in to save him and ended up scraping up my face and losing the hearing in one ear. Harry later went on to be a war hero. Who knows what would have happened if I had not been there?
  
  
• What do you mean 'what happened to my face'? This is the way I've always looked, jerk!
  

Moral of the story: I dig my new rugged good looks.

000, Licensed to Bitch

Yesterday the temperature dropped to -19^o F in Denver, and it marked the first time I was subjected to my most hated phrase of the winter season: "The temperature is -19 degrees, but the windchill is..." Temperature is a measurable quantity with a physical meaning, and windchill is an arbitrary, made-up metric to describe what it "feels" like. It just gives people a license to bitch when its cold. It's just like saying, "If you think this low temperature number makes my life difficult, take a look at this much lower number!" Boo hoo.

Prove Your Manliness

If someone asks you if you want to enter a push-up contest, you must answer "yes!" It is the modern equivalent of a duel. I can think of few more manly ways of deciding an argument other than over-the-topping someone in an arm wrestling contest.

This is the situation I found myself in last night at they gym where I was invited to join a contest for a chance to win up to $100 in restaurant gift certificates. And I knew I had some tough competition. After all, I was at a gym, where people go to do this sort of thing for fun. Seven combatants would face off for a chance at 3 prize categories; most in a minute, most total, and most for a girl.

The winner took both prizes with a grand total of 72 push-ups. I came in third, but at least I beat the girls (and they were doing girl push-ups!). It turns out that I can do 42 push-ups in a minute, so if you ever feel you need to Demand Satisfaction from me, you know what you will be up against.

Should have done this before the election

During this whopper of a presidential campaign that we just endured, I was often asked the question of what political party I belonged to. I usually answered with some combination of the following statements. I don't strongly identify with either party (or more accurately, I do identify strongly with certain platforms of both parties). When it comes time to vote, I will choose the candidate that I believe will do the most good, regardless of their platform. Now that it is all said and done, and the fate of the free world is no longer in peril, I decided that I should figure out where I fit in.

Since I use online quizzes for everything from finding out which Simpsons character I am to what kind of accent I have, I took a Political Stance test from Political Brew:

On Non-Fiscal Issues, you rank as a Moderate Liberal (29).
On Fiscal Issues, you rank as a Moderate Liberal (34).

Your score is on a scale of 0 to 100, with 0 being fully liberal and 100 being fully conservative.

While this does not necessarily tie me to a particular party, it's nice to know where I stand.

"Whatever you do, do it in moderation"

It's Immaterial

Last night I had the distinct pleasure of having Madonna come to visit me at the Pepsi Center for her Sticky and Sweet tour. The music was great, the show was incredible, and I had a fantastic time. She played a lot off of her new album, and a lot of the classics, too.



Say what you will about a grown man going to see Madonna in concert, but I had a good time. However, I will say that it seemed like my presence at the concert may have doubled the number of heterosexual males there. And I'm pretty sure I got hit on at least once, but I choose to take that as a compliment.

Here are a few reasons why the concert was most literally awesome.

• 40 semis. On our way into the concert we saw them all outside. That's how many it takes to haul the equipment for a show if this magnitude.
  
  
• Upgrades! I decided to buy the cheapest tickets (for the low, low price of only $80 each) and they put me in the third tier, in the corner, behind the stage! But when Madonna heard I was coming, she had my tickets flagged, and when I got them scanned at the gate, I was waved over to the upgrade stand. They exchanged my tickets for lower-level tickets off to one side of the stage. This totally made the show, thanks, Madonna!
  
  
• LED screens, more than you could shake a stick at and of impressive quality. She had three 2-story screens, and one of them accordionned apart. There were major screens, and minor screens, screens on wheels that moved around, a DJ booth coated in screens, man-sized screens to simulate extra extras, and, the coup de grace, the Magic Cylinder screen (awesome enough to warrant its own bullet point, below).
  
  
• The gun show. Madonna has always been famously fit, but I never appreciated it until I saw her live. Her arms show more veins than a Ninja Turtle's! Kudos, Madonna.
  
  
• A Ukrainian mariachi band featuring the Latino Lord of the Dance. Why not?
  
  
• Treadmill, the world's largest. It was probably about 60' long and 3' wide. It was a little bit Jamiroquai and a little bit OK Go, and they came no where close to realizing its true potential.
  
  
• I'm Britney, bitch. There were lots of celebrity cameos in addition to Britney; Kanye West, other miscellaneous R&B artists I don't recognize, Al Gore, and four Justin Timberlakes.
  
  
• "I'm working my ass off up here!" That's what you say when you're 50-years-old, you've been literally running around and dancing for two hours straight, and the people in the front row are sitting down. I probably would not have been as kind.
  
  
• Google Earth. The backdrop to one of the songs was various zooms into different parts of the world on google earth. I probably found this more enjoyable than the average person.
  
  
• Die Another Day feat. Scorpion. She played title track to one of my favorite Bond films (Die Another Day, starring Madonna, co-starring Pierce Brosnan) mixed in with various cuts from Mortal Kombat while two guys were dance-boxing. Finish him!
  
  
• Like a Prayer. It's a dance club staple and so overdone that I really didn't expect to hear it last night. But she sang it and she blew the roof off the place. This was no simple dance remix, it was, quite simply, to die for.
  
  
• The Magic Cylinder. It was an LED screen in the shape of a cylinder about 20 feet tall. Madonna was inside the cylinder on a piano. When the screen was off you could see through it like a mesh and when it was on it looked like a regular screen. BUT when they mixed the two (images against a black backdrop) you got these ethereal floating images. She did a song with a water theme and had rain and waves splashing all around her. All I could do was stare slack-jawed. I have no idea what song she was singing, it could have been 'happy birthday' for all I know; I was totally entranced.

Madonna is a music icon, her show is top shelf, and I'm glad I could be a part of it. Give me a call next time you're in town, Madonna, and we can hang out again.