I just saw somethg I've never seen before

A man standing at a urinal holding a baby.

Is that allowed?

Slappin' your troubles away

Every so often, a series of events in someone's life can occur to make them an internet sensation. Such is the case recently with Vince Shlomi. Most people would know him as the ShamWow! guy, but he has also been pitching other stuff on TV like the SlapChop. That's all great, but when pictures of your jacked up face appear in a mugshot after your fight with a hooker, you become a big celebrity. And if one of your infomercials just happens to contain the line "you're gonna love my nuts", the interwebs will be crawling all over themselves to parody you.

I came across this fantastic remix of the SlapChop commercial by DJ Steve Porter called "Rap Chop" (mp3 available on his site). Its pretty much just the entire commercial with a beat an an autotune added. I can't stop watching.



If this had been the original commercial for the SlapChop, I would now own 14 of them. I think I'm gonna play this song at my wedding.

Stop having boring tuna.

Pigeoned!

Not so long ago, I wrote a post about how totally awesome it is to see birds indoors. I am now retracting that sentiment (under certain circumstances).

I went into work one morning last week and one of my coworkers came up to me and said, "I hear you've got pigeons." Evidently, early that morning someone had been working in the lab where I was building my latest laser and a pigeon swooped down out of the drop ceiling, circled the lab a few times, and escaped back up into the ceiling. What the hell!

It seems that the creature somehow worked its way into the building through a gap in one of the outdoor light fixtures and had been wandering around above our ceilings for some time. It found a missing ceiling tile in my lab and decided to check things out. I found all of this rather amusing until I went into my lab and discovered the following.



It seems that on its sojourn through the lab, the pigeon decided to shatter my pair of laser goggles. Or should I say he shattered my NEW pair of laser goggles that I depend on to protect my fragile eyeballs from certain laser-induced catastrophe! So now, as they say, it is on.

I went back to business as usual until later that afternoon when I heard the sound that meant my revenge was imminent; a little flutter from the other side of the partition in the lab. I stuck my head around the corner and found myself inches away from a mad-flapping beast. At this point, some of the details of the events vary. Some claim that, after being nearly slapped in the face by an errant wing, I let out something of a scream or a yelp. HOWEVER, my story is that, when faced with my nemesis, I unleashed a thundering war cry that sent it scurrying in fear.

I plugged the hole in the ceiling, called in some help, and we chased the thing around the lab for a while until it got tired and crashed into a wall. The pigeon fell down behind some stuff and got pinned against the wall. We just reached down with a bag, grabbed it, and carried it outside. When the bird was released, he flew around in a big circle and landed right back on the building to let the cycle of adventure begin anew.

KM Lasers: Now with more Pigeon!

Say What?

Overheard at Red Robin this evening:

"With a great moustache comes great responsibility."

I could not agree more.

Happy VD

St. Valentine's Day has come and gone and the spirit of the holiday got me thinking about one of the most romantic movies I have seen in a while, Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay (and yes, I did just watch Love Actually). Even though it did not garner a single Oscar, I found it to be a very good film.

*spoiler alert* - they smoke pot

Also, there is a very touching scene towards the end where Kumar is trying to win back the girl he loves as she is in the middle marrying some jag-off. Kumar recites the following poem to her.

The Square Root of Three, by David Feinberg

I’m sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

The three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

He's sensitive AND scientific. I don't know how the girl kept from jumping his bones right then and there!

Happy Valentine's Day!

The Birds!

Do you know what's awesome? Birds living indoors.

I'm sitting in the airport and I hear what I think is a recording of bird noises coming form a nearby potted tree. A bit later, from that same tree, swoops out and actual living bird, indoors, where HUMANS are! The little guy was just stopping by to grab some fry crumbs from a sloppy McDonalds patron (lucky bird). Now animals, in general, do not shock me but you expect to see them outside and people inside. Once, a bat got into my church during a service as a kid and that was pretty awesome, too (not many people received The Word that day). And don't get me started on all the lifeforms in my old college apartment.

Later on as I'm walking through the airport atrium, there are birds swooping among the rafters and chirping away and it makes this pile of steel feel so natural again. When the two of us can live together for mutual benefit (clean floors and free dinner), that's what's awesome!

You know what's awesome?

Do you know what's awesome? Freeze-proof drinking fountains.

I just started up running again after a break and I went out on my usual municipal multi-use pathway. About halfway into my morning run I realized I was thirsty. I then realized that it was mid January. Then, I realized that cities always shut of outdoor water fountains in the winter. I then realized that I was boned. That is, until I came upon the next drinking fountain on my route. It bore the following inscription.

ATTENTION:
This is a freeze-proof drinking fountain. Please hold the button down until the water begins to flow. It will remain active year-round. Sorry for the convenience.

Freeze-proof drinking fountains saved my bacon. That's what's awesome!

I am the smartest man alive

I quite frequently contemplate writing a post with this title, but this time I am actually quite sure that it is true.

I woke up this morning at the usual time and my clock radio told me that it had just snowed about 6" and was still going. My typical commute is about 40 minutes, but if even a little snow falls, it can turn into upwards of 2 hours. So armed with this knowledge, I decided to come into work late. I loitered around the house, ate some lunch, shoveled my driveway, and took care of all of the stuff I had planned on doing this evening after I got home. I finally ended up leaving my house at around 11am. The roads were wet and people were still driving like idiots, but there were few enough of them on the roads that I could go around. I made it to work in 37 minutes.

I knew it would have been nasty and that I probably shaved hours off of my commute time (and probably added a few years to my life), but the end results were pretty awesome: One of my coworkers that lives near me left at the usual time got into work at about 11:15, only 45 minutes before I did. This was a win, win, win, win, situation; I got to sleep in, I got to work less, I was saved the frustration of crawling traffic, and I got to brag to all my coworkers about how I beat HWY36. I have found my new favorite past time; arriving late to work. Smartest Man ALIVE

In another note, unrelated to this post, (or perhaps incredibly related) is a new app I found on Facebook. It is the Whopper Sacrifice. If you will only sacrifice 10 of your friends to the Whopper gods, BK will give you a free Whopper. You actually have to unfriend them in order for this to work. So if you are on Facebook and suddenly wonder why I am no longer your friend, it is because I evidently value the Whopper more than you (actually I value 1/10th of a Whopper more than you).

Surprise, you're in England

I got sent on my first 'spontaneous vacation' at work this week. On Tuesday I booked a flight to head to the UK for a customer service visit leaving Wednesday morning. A wise engineer once told me, "You know you're important when they send you on (or recall you from) a vacation." But if I were really important, I would be the one sending people on 'vacations'.

Some highlights from the trip:

• "Sir, is this your bag?"
  "Are these Fig Newtons in here?"
  That's all the further the exchange went, but it left me wondering if there is a new upcoming TSA policy banning figs or if maybe the inspector was craving something more than just a cookie; perhaps craving fruit and cake.
  
• "This airplane was not designed to allow you to remove your shoes during take-off" Perhaps someday airplane technology will catch up to my advanced technique of shoe-removal, but today is not that day.
  
• Upgrades! Through the magic of airline travel, it was somehow cheaper to buy first/business class tickets last minute than coach so that's just what I did. I got on one of United's upgraded 767's. It had the lay-flat seats for some choice sleeping, and a full 15in. monitor and on-demand entertainment including movies, tv shows, music and games (you could play tetris against the other passengers!). There was so much great stuff to do, I almost wish I didn't waste my flight sleeping soundly. If you have an extra 105k airline miles floating around, I highly recommend trying it.
  
• Right-hand drive. I've driven in the UK several times before and I always get a kick out of it. I initially had some issue with staying in my lane and not hitting curbs, but, amazing, having the stick shift on my left hand was pretty easy to get used to. This trip I got a supersweet diesel, 6-speed, hard-top convertible, PURPLE, Ford Focus! I could get 45mpg without even trying. The really weird part is riding in the 'passenger' seat and not having any controls in front of you. Also, the highway drivers there are all excellent and always keep over except when passing.
  
• Harses, harses, harses. Evidently the "Silicon Valley of England" where I was working is also the horse breeding capital of England. I was driving one day and I saw what looked like, from afar, a very, very tall man walking down the side of the road. It was actually a man on horseback riding down the street as if here were on a bicycle. It was initially a bit of a shock to me but I got over it. I mean hey, horses are people, too.
  
• The Imperial Pint. If you think Americans love their beers, the British will put you to shame. When you order a pint there, you get a massive 20oz. bucket of cask-conditioned ale that's hand-pumped by the bartender. It's not overly cold, just the temperature of the basement, and barely carbonated, but it sure is delicious. I had the pleasure of enjoying one at a tiny pub called 'The Plow', during lunch nonetheless, and I got to go try to align a big laser afterwords.
  
• The weather apocalypse. When I arrived in London, they had been experiencing several days of below freezing temperatures, and they even experienced some *gasp* snow! Evidently that is a rare occurrence there and so everyone was freaking out. I was literally tripping over piles of salt in the street as they attempted to take care of the 2cm of snow that fell on the streets. People were walking around bundled up like the Michelin Man and nearly fainted when they saw me in short sleeves and a moderate jacket. It was not quite as comical as when they got snow in Georgia, but I had many good laughs anyway.
  
• Not getting trapped in Chicago By all accounts, I should have been stuck in Chicago for the night on my way back to Denver. The plane was late, it was snowing, half the flights were canceled, my flight crew left, there were people screaming in the baggage hold, and the jetway froze to the plane. They hosed the plane down with de-icer, plowed the runways, got us a new crew, got maintenance to fix the cargo hold (the screams were from frustration and not from pain ... so we were told), made us get on off and back on the plane for good measure, and backed the plane out around the stuck jetway with surgical precision. At first I was a bit upset about the delay, but I need to give United massive credit for getting me home just a little over 3 hours late. It was damn good to sleep in my own bed last night.

Cheers!