Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Chicks dig scars

I just returned from a successful trip back home for Christmas. It was a bit short but I got much done, saw as many people as I could and I made it back intact. Mostly.

My Grandparents have a hill in their backyard with a lake at the bottom. Occasionally the conditions will be right such that there is both a good coating of snow on the ground and the lake is well-frozen. This happened on Christmas day so the whole family was out enjoying the excellent sledding.

We got in all the great sledding moves like the sled-snake, the sweep-your-unsuspecting-cousin's-legs-out-from-under-him, the run-over-the-dog-that's-trying-to-chase-you, and the dock crash. Then, my uncle, who grew up at the house and knew all the secrets, and managed to shoot down the hill and completely across the lake. That became the new challenge and no one else seemed to even come close. In my quest to match this feat, I got a great running start and proceeded to do this to myself:



It turned out, when I dove onto the sled while running roughly at mach 0.80, the sled did not move and I shot off the front on my face. I shaved off a small layer of skin and my lip got bashed and swelled up pretty good.

Rather than have to tell this story over and over I decided to come up with some alternative explanations. And I really had to be quick with them too or else whenever someone shrieked in horror and exclaimed, "What happened?!?!" someone else would chime in with a stale "You should see the other guy. Yuk yuk yuk." Here are my favorite responses to the "what happened" query.

  • If you think this is bad, you should see the badger!

  • I was carrying a steak home from the grocery when I crossed paths with a bear in a dark alley. I should have been fine since I was wearing bear repellent, but it turns out that I forgot to spray some on my face.

  • The orphanage by my house caught fire again and all the orphans were trapped inside. Naturally, I went in and picked up as many as I could. The flames in the disintegrating building backed us into a corner. Since I was holding an orphan in each hand, one one my back, and had one on each leg, I was forced to headbutt my way through the nearest wall to safety. It was made of brick.

  • We were out sledding when my brother, Harry, fell through the ice. I jumped in to save him and ended up scraping up my face and losing the hearing in one ear. Harry later went on to be a war hero. Who knows what would have happened if I had not been there?

  • What do you mean 'what happened to my face'? This is the way I've always looked, jerk!


Moral of the story: I dig my new rugged good looks.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

000, Licensed to Bitch

Yesterday the temperature dropped to -19o F in Denver, and it marked the first time I was subjected to my most hated phrase of the winter season: "The temperature is -19 degrees, but the windchill is..." Temperature is a measurable quantity with a physical meaning, and windchill is an arbitrary, made-up metric to describe what it "feels" like. It just gives people a license to bitch when its cold. It's just like saying, "If you think this low temperature number makes my life difficult, take a look at this much lower number!" Boo hoo.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Prove Your Manliness

If someone asks you if you want to enter a push-up contest, you must answer "yes!" It is the modern equivalent of a duel. I can think of few more manly ways of deciding an argument other than over-the-topping someone in an arm wrestling contest.

This is the situation I found myself in last night at they gym where I was invited to join a contest for a chance to win up to $100 in restaurant gift certificates. And I knew I had some tough competition. After all, I was at a gym, where people go to do this sort of thing for fun. Seven combatants would face off for a chance at 3 prize categories; most in a minute, most total, and most for a girl.

The winner took both prizes with a grand total of 72 push-ups. I came in third, but at least I beat the girls (and they were doing girl push-ups!). It turns out that I can do 42 push-ups in a minute, so if you ever feel you need to Demand Satisfaction from me, you know what you will be up against.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Should have done this before the election

My political stance in graphical form

During this whopper of a presidential campaign that we just endured, I was often asked the question of what political party I belonged to. I usually answered with some combination of the following statements. I don't strongly identify with either party (or more accurately, I do identify strongly with certain platforms of both parties). When it comes time to vote, I will choose the candidate that I believe will do the most good, regardless of their platform. Now that it is all said and done, and the fate of the free world is no longer in peril, I decided that I should figure out where I fit in.

Since I use online quizzes for everything from finding out which Simpsons character I am to what kind of accent I have, I took a Political Stance test from Political Brew:


On Non-Fiscal Issues, you rank as a Moderate Liberal (29).
On Fiscal Issues, you rank as a Moderate Liberal (34).

Your score is on a scale of 0 to 100, with 0 being fully liberal and 100 being fully conservative.


While this does not necessarily tie me to a particular party, it's nice to know where I stand.


"Whatever you do, do it in moderation"

Thursday, November 13, 2008

It's Immaterial

Last night I had the distinct pleasure of having Madonna come to visit me at the Pepsi Center for her Sticky and Sweet tour. The music was great, the show was incredible, and I had a fantastic time. She played a lot off of her new album, and a lot of the classics, too.

Nice view

Say what you will about a grown man going to see Madonna in concert, but I had a good time. However, I will say that it seemed like my presence at the concert may have doubled the number of heterosexual males there. And I'm pretty sure I got hit on at least once, but I choose to take that as a compliment.

Here are a few reasons why the concert was most literally awesome.
  • 40 semis. On our way into the concert we saw them all outside. That's how many it takes to haul the equipment for a show if this magnitude.

  • Upgrades! I decided to buy the cheapest tickets (for the low, low price of only $80 each) and they put me in the third tier, in the corner, behind the stage! But when Madonna heard I was coming, she had my tickets flagged, and when I got them scanned at the gate, I was waved over to the upgrade stand. They exchanged my tickets for lower-level tickets off to one side of the stage. This totally made the show, thanks, Madonna!

  • LED screens, more than you could shake a stick at and of impressive quality. She had three 2-story screens, and one of them accordionned apart. There were major screens, and minor screens, screens on wheels that moved around, a DJ booth coated in screens, man-sized screens to simulate extra extras, and, the coup de grace, the Magic Cylinder screen (awesome enough to warrant its own bullet point, below).

  • The gun show. Madonna has always been famously fit, but I never appreciated it until I saw her live. Her arms show more veins than a Ninja Turtle's! Kudos, Madonna.

  • A Ukrainian mariachi band featuring the Latino Lord of the Dance. Why not?

  • Treadmill, the world's largest. It was probably about 60' long and 3' wide. It was a little bit Jamiroquai and a little bit OK Go, and they came no where close to realizing its true potential.

  • I'm Britney, bitch. There were lots of celebrity cameos in addition to Britney; Kanye West, other miscellaneous R&B artists I don't recognize, Al Gore, and four Justin Timberlakes.

  • "I'm working my ass off up here!" That's what you say when you're 50-years-old, you've been literally running around and dancing for two hours straight, and the people in the front row are sitting down. I probably would not have been as kind.

  • Google Earth. The backdrop to one of the songs was various zooms into different parts of the world on google earth. I probably found this more enjoyable than the average person.

  • Die Another Day feat. Scorpion. She played title track to one of my favorite Bond films (Die Another Day, starring Madonna, co-starring Pierce Brosnan) mixed in with various cuts from Mortal Kombat while two guys were dance-boxing. Finish him!

  • Like a Prayer. It's a dance club staple and so overdone that I really didn't expect to hear it last night. But she sang it and she blew the roof off the place. This was no simple dance remix, it was, quite simply, to die for.

  • The Magic Cylinder. It was an LED screen in the shape of a cylinder about 20 feet tall. Madonna was inside the cylinder on a piano. When the screen was off you could see through it like a mesh and when it was on it looked like a regular screen. BUT when they mixed the two (images against a black backdrop) you got these ethereal floating images. She did a song with a water theme and had rain and waves splashing all around her. All I could do was stare slack-jawed. I have no idea what song she was singing, it could have been 'happy birthday' for all I know; I was totally entranced.


Madonna is a music icon, her show is top shelf, and I'm glad I could be a part of it. Give me a call next time you're in town, Madonna, and we can hang out again.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Cops hate the environment

In my quest to maximize the fuel economy I get out of my car, I am trying to reduce the amount that I use the brakes. In this spirit, last night I performed a "rolling stop" at a stop sign (by "rolling" I mean 25mph). It was 11pm in a small Colorado town and I could see for about a mile in either direction. In my defense, if ever there was a time to run a stop sign, this was it. However, as I made my calculated offense, my headlights played across a car that said "Police" on the side. I watched him to a U-turn behind me. I was already on the shoulder by the time his lights came on.

I had a few options. I thought this might be a regular ol' gun-totin', McCain-lovin' police officer, and I could go the route of, "I was just trying to save gas and fight terrorism. USA A-OK! Put a boot in their ass! etc. etc." However, on the outside chance that this did not work, I would look like a total idiot. I decided to play it more conservatively. The exchange went something like this:

Villain: Do you know why I pulled you over?
(yes, they really do say this)
Hero: I could guess...
Villain:Why?
Hero: I may have failed to stop at that stop sign back there.
Villain: You did not stop. Can you tell me why?
Hero: It is late at night, there is little traffic, and I had a clear view for a good distance in both directions. Under these conditions, I felt it was safe.
Villain:Do you think it is safe to break the law?
Hero:It can be.
Villain:Unfortunately, that is not the case.


As you may have guessed, I take issue with this on several levels:

  1. Safety
    The world in an inherently unsafe place. We are taking a risk any time we do anything. We do our best to minimize risk, but nothing is safe. Is running a stop sign safe? No. I coming to a complete stop and then proceeding through a stop sign safe? No. In my view, the amount of additional risk added by not completely stopping at a sign was minimal.

  2. Infallibility
    Some people (read: police officers) seem to believe that the law is absolute. That it is correct in every situation. That the letter should be obeyed at all costs. So since what I did was against the law, I should be punished. However, since the police officer who did a u-turn in the middle of an intersection was within the law, he was allowed, even though what he did was arguably much more dangerous by intersecting 3 directions of traffic (to my one) that he did not have a clear view of.

  3. Hypocrisy
    I have never seen a police officer come to a complete stop at a stop sign, aside from when the intersection is obstructed by another car. If a police officer was really protecting and serving the public even-handedly, he would spend his entire day writing himself tickets.

So now I have the option of paying $80 (plus a $25 handling fee?!?!) or going to court, having to pay the $105 anyways plus $25 (minimum) court fees and getting an additional 2 points on my license and wasting a day or two in the Erie, CO courthouse. I'll try to contain myself before this rant spirals out of control.

Final thought: I don't know if it is worse to have a total jerk cop or one that tries to be nice and smiles to your face while fining you. I had the latter.